미드이야기 = 프뷁 빨리좀 나오셈

 

Written by Mike Wood | photos by Peter Brown    

Thursday, 01 February 2007 

This last year has been a real whirlwind for professional volleyball player and coach J.P. Calderon. Yes, he\'s met tough contenders on the court and he\'s weathered the rough seas off the Cook Islands on Survivor; he\'s even confronted, head-on, the mighty maelstrom that is Janice Dickinson during his most recent reality-TV stint, but now J.P. Calderon is set to tackle his toughest opponent yet. Himself.

Today as we sit down for lunch, J.P.\'s ready "for the first time in his life" to speak frankly about his sexuality, his painful past, his promising future and why he thinks Janice Dickinson is the coolest person on the planet.

J.P. Calderon is the youngest of two boys. His parents divorced when he was just a baby, and his upbringing is not one full of happy memories. But it\'s from these imperfect childhood memories J.P. will draw most of the emotional testimony he shares over our lunch today on this balmy winter afternoon in L.A.

"I had decided when I was younger that I was never going to come out. I was planning to get married and have kids, be closeted about it and force myself to be something I knew I wasn\'t" he says very matter-of-factly. J.P. says he knew at the time that his plan wasn\'t full-proof, but his decision took precedent over his plight. In his mind-as in the minds of many young gay men-being tormented and closeted was certainly better than being gay.

"I was always the jock. I always got the girls. I was always put in that real \'masculine\' limelight," he remembers. "But, don\'t get me wrong-I do have my feminine moments. You can tell I\'m gay. My friends say I\'m getting gayer and gayer by the minute!" he animatedly declares. After a moment, our shared laughter falls to silence and then his sullen admission: "But, back then, I would see guys who would wear real tight jeans and sashay around or whatever, and I would think, Good for you, at least you are being you. That\'s something I\'ve never been all my life."

J.P. turns pensive when I ask him how this remembrance and his realization of never being true to himself make him feel today. "I\'ve always regretted it," he says quietly. "I\'ve hated myself. And to realize now that I\'ve always hated myself my whole life isn\'t easy."

If J.P.\'s presence on the cover of our magazine doesn\'t already affirm his friends "gayer and gayer by the minute" proclamation, surely J.P.\'s new gig on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, a show I remind him may very well be the gayest on TV today-will certainly seal the deal. "I didn\'t know that at all," he laughs. "I really didn\'t! But, I think this a calling. I mean, all this stuff is happening to me for a reason. I really believe that."

Having just recently learned to accept his sexuality at the relatively late age of 31, J.P. is still plagued by self-doubt. "I don\'t want to send a bad image to anyone, but sometimes I\'m still conflicted. I\'m hoping I won\'t always be, but I don\'t know." He goes on to share an example about his volleyball teammates and fellow models that has replayed in his mind time and again. "I see them naked all the time. They\'re my bros. They\'re my team mates," he explains. "I don\'t look at them in that way. I never check them out like that. But, I always think, God, if I came out are they gonna start thinking , \'Oh, J.P. is checking me out\' or who knows what. That bothers me because they\'re my friends, my buddies."

Another fear that hangs over his head, is what his sexuality will mean to the kids he coaches for volleyball. "I\'m a role model for kids. And it\'s weird, but what if they see their gay coach in a Speedo or whatever and he\'s doing this gay magazine..? What are they going to think, you know? Am I going to let them down? What are their parents going to think? And I know I shouldn\'t care what they think, but I do. I might be the one who is making this a bigger deal than anybody else, but I\'m just really self-conscious. I\'ve never been more vulnerable or self-conscious in my life."

J.P. describes his early childhood as pretty free, and looking back on it now, perhaps freeing. He had a strong bond with his mom growing up, but breast cancer took her from him when he was just nine years old. Of course, he was devastated. His mother had always encouraged J.P. in his more artistic endeavors and he believes if his mom had lived past his youth, his life may have been very different—that her love and understanding may have made it easier for him to accept himself for the person he truly is. “If my Mom was still around, who knows, maybe I would have been that flamboyant kid,” he acknowledges with a soft chuckle, imagining something he may never have let himself even think about before.

“My dad moved in after my mom died,” J.P. says in a tone markedly less jovial. “My brother was already in high school going into college. He was already an adult. So my dad couldn’t really do anything to my brother. But my dad got me when I was nine. So I had to go through being an adolescent while [my father] had to come back to raising children after pretty much being a playboy after getting divorced. He was used to being a bachelor. So we just butted heads all the way through.”

The stigma J.P. carries with him to this day is thanks—in no small part—to his volatile relationship with his father. In fact, J.P. says it’s this tortured father-son blood tie that has tormented him and shaped, or misshapen, his entire life up to this point.

J.P.’s dad died a year ago this past October from brain cancer.

“My dad represented the machismo, the whole Latino man’s man culture. As a kid, everything I liked was…wrong…in his eyes. He thought modeling and TV and entertainment were…” J.P. trails off searching for just the right word. I think I know where he’s going, but that he’s perhaps hesitant to say it out loud. So I say it for him: “Gay?”

“Yeah,” J.P. admits, his eyes hitting his plate in front of him. “I come from Latino culture and a blue collar family where you are only respected if you work really hard, and he never saw any of that [entertainment] as real work. There were laws that I needed to follow in order to be sucessful in my dad’s eyes. And his laws were never on my agenda.”

“He never trusted me. He made me feel like I was this really bad kid,” he says. Then J.P. is quiet for a minute and I watch the emotions wash over him as the stories of his wounded childhood begin to take their toll on him. “You know when I went to college my dad didn’t even help me move. Like, parents usually get into it, right? They help you. They want to get involved, visit the school..? He’s like, ‘Where you going?’ and I say, ‘Dad, I’ve been packing the car because I’m leaving for school.”

There’s another long pause, and we both begin to poke at our plates of barely eaten lunch.

“All these emotions have just been hitting me,” he says, finally looking up at me. “I just remember that as a little kid he was always going out and he would leave me alone. He was never a dad. My brother was my dad…now, he, he did everything for me.”

It’s another moment, and another poke at his plate before J.P.’s eyes look up at mine again. “I feel so guilty for saying this, but I felt relieved when my dad died. Because I just felt like I was free. I was finally free.”

So, do you think that if your dad hadn’t died…?

J.P. already knows my question and he is firm and to the point: “We would not be talking right now.”

He had that much of a hold on you?

“Yes. Definitely.”

So you would still be unhappy?

“Yes. I’d still be very unhappy. I would die unhappy.” He pauses for a moment, realizing, “I think my dad died unhappy.”

Do you think your dad knew you were gay?

“I think my dad knew. Sure. I think everyone [in my family] knows. No one is dumb. I think the more you don’t talk about it, the more they can dance around it and feel comfortable because they can treat me like I am no different.”

But, you are no different.

“I know that. And you know that...” J.P. trails off managing a smirk that tries to mask a deep-seated pain that ponders why others can’t grasp how simple and true it is.

J.P. is intent on making up for lost time now. And he wants to go forward with no regrets. “I’m really, truly doing, what I’ve always wanted to do. I always wanted to be in entertainment. I was such a ham when I was a kid. I loved it, you know?” he reflects. “And when my mom died I stopped. But now I can do it again. It wasn’t until this last year when my dad passed away that I did Survivor, I said yes to Janice Dickinson, to you. I’m coming out and I’m living!” he says finding a smile beneath years of hurt and disappointment. “Like, what the fuck am I doing? Why have I waited so long?”

What’s next, I wonder. “I want to model. I want to act. Sing… I want to do it all,” he reveals with genuine enthusiasm. “I really want to do things I always dreamed about but never did. All that stuff I wanted to do as a kid that immediately got shut down after my mom died. Now I’m reopening that.”

“I think that’s why this is all happening. It’s not every day somebody gets slapped in the face with a major magazine like Instinct, Janice Dickinson, her TV show, another show [Survivor]. You know, I think I’m just supposed to do this. Every day I ask myself, ‘What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?!?’ I don’t know if this is all gonna hurt me or help me. All I do know is that I am so tired of not being able to be myself. I feel it’s a calling. It’s such a weird and rare way of coming out—and extreme way of coming out—that I just had to say, ‘Yes, I’m supposed to do this. Yes to Instinct, yes to Janice, everything!’ God’s putting this all on my plate for a reason. And I think I have to do it for me. If I put myself in the most extreme way of coming out, then it forces me to have to deal because no matter where I go now everyone is going to know—or not know if they don’t care—but at least now nobody’s going to be questioning [my sexuality]. And I think that’s why I did it. It forces me to start living my life.”( J.P.’s coming out story for Instinct will air on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency on Oxygen beginning Jan. 24.)

J.P. 호프스 his story will help others and that he can be a role model to a younger generation of gay youth who might be afraid to live their lives honestly and without regret. “Happiness is important. When you’re ready, that’s the time to come out, but just realize life is short. Yeah, it’s a stupid cliché, but I kick myself in the ass all the time now for not doing this earlier because I’ve just wasted 8 to 10 years of my life that could have been…,” he pauses, “…different.”

“You know, I’ve been blaming my dad my whole life for my own unhappiness. I’ve been using the excuse of ‘woe is me’ and ‘my dad made me this way’ and’ blah-blah-blah’ for so long, but you know what? Well, I can change that now. And it’s like, ‘Okay, J.P., shut up now. Get over it. Stop blaming your dad. Yeah, he did those things to you. Yeah, he made you who you are—those things you may not like—but now you should recognize you can change it.’ I need to stop blaming my dad and everything that’s happened in my life, and learn to live for me.”

His eyes meet mine and I see a determination and truth there. His smile beams, “And now, finally, I am.”

***

REALITY STAR REVELATIONS

How J.P. Survived The Cook Islands…And Janice Dickinson

INSTINCT: Right to the nitty-gritty: Were you pissed when you got booted off of Survivor?

J.P. CALDERON: I definitely got a bum rap. My thing is, everything they showed, I did do and I did say. It’s on TV. You can’t deny that. How they chose to show it was their deal. They need to create characters and storylines to appeal to the audience. And whatever you say and do, they’ll use. But you’ll notice, they never showed me smiling. They never showed me laughing. They never showed me singing at night. They never showed me acting goofy or telling jokes. One night I was saying that I wanted a Krispy Kreme— I’ve never had Krispy Kreme in my life—and one night I was like, ‘Look, I just want some frosted fat!’ I would just say funny, stupid things.

What lessons have you taken from Survivor?

I’ve learned that everyone on the show is completely different and everyone comes from different walks of life. I come from an athletic background where honesty and your candid behavior are respected. Where [on Survivor], it’s taken as aggressive and demanding, over-assertive and cocky and arrogant. In my world, you lay it on the table, you fix it, you move on and you become a better team that way.

And that approach wasn’t appreciated by your fellow castaways?

No. Because your dealing with moms. You’re dealing with salespeople and make-up artists, and all these people who don’t come from my world and they think of me as an over-assertive tyrant. I came off like a male chauvanist, and I’m laughing because I’m thinking, I’m gay! If there is anyone who is going to be sensitive to you guys, it’s this guy!

Would you have done anything differently?

It makes me mad that [Survivor producers] didn’t have the balls to come up to me and say, ‘Hey, J.P., we think you’re kind of being this way…’ and I would have immediately changed. But I did not think I was being an ass. I really didn’t. I mean, come on, I chopped coconut for everybody! You know how hard it is to chop coconut [laughs]?!?

Now, you’re really going into the wilds with your new reality show. Did Survivor prepare you for Janice Dickinson?

I don’t think anything can prepare you for Janice Dickinson [laughs]. She keeps throwing out, ‘You survived Survivor, now let’s see if you can survive me!’

How did your gig on Janice’s show come about?

I got a phone call from a producer and he said, ‘We saw you on Survivor. We like your look. Have you ever thought about modeling? Janice Dickison has a modeling agency and a TV show and she’s interested in having you.’ And I thought, Wow. She’s that crazy lady! I saw her on America’s Next Top Model. She’s pretty gnarly [laughs]. She can be pretty tough.

So knowing all this and after your experience with Survivor, why did you say yes?

I don’t know. Something in me just said, ‘Yes. Just do it. It’ll be fun.’ Plus, I think I’m really into doing things now that I would never have done. I’m learning now to take every opportunity that comes my way instead of overanalyzing it and beating myself up and saying no. So, I just said yes. Then, of course, afterwards I thought Oh, my God! What did I just do?! [laughs]

And how has your experience with Janice been thus far?

We started a little bit butting heads, but I love Janice Dickinson. I want everyone to know, she is the coolest person in the world.

Why did you butt heads originally?

It was me being a cocky arrogant guy—because that’s the only way I’ve ever known how to be—but she checked me big time and brought me back down, and I needed it. She sat me down and said, ‘Hey, cut that shit out. You don’t need to be acting like this. There’s a good guy in there. I can tell.’ And she just broke down a wall. A wall that needed to be broken down.

And now she shows up on set of Instinct’s photo shoot and jumps in the pool with you!

It’s really rare when your agent comes down to your photo shoot—and then jumps in the pool! There were a lot of guys on hand who could have and should have, and she was like, ‘Fuck it, I’ll do it’ because that’s just her. I thought about it in the pool. She literally had me in her hands…she’s taking care of me.