https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oWHQRaAvVykbyQtFLW87TBZHs_tfVOaluCPnNleAeQc/edit?usp=sharing

I’ll try not to regurgitate previous statements I’ve already made on the situation but I want to mainly apologize for my actions. I am finally deciding to end it here. If hundreds of people, even thousands, are misconstruing your wording and have become hurt by it as well, it was a poorly written document.
I was originally going to try to refute everything but at this point, it’s beating the dead horse.
I’ll try to shorten this as much as possible.
DB was the person who should’ve been the person focused on the most regarding their experiences. When DB and I discussed our experiences with Alex, there was a connection between Alex’s behavior. I was extremely angry at the time because I was supporting Alex for months and then seeing my own friend hurt made me incredibly angry.
DB struggled. Those feelings are real and I refuse to downplay their own experiences.
It was premeditative by creating a server and group chats to gain more of their attention (whether or not it was for friends, obviously, you were mainly there for DB when you started commenting that you were missing them), masturbated to their photos behind the scene that includes of them being 17 years old (of course, you wouldn’t have known but it was an innocent photo meant to be shared with friends that you chose to sexualize), masturbated to their confession to you, masturbated to them complimenting you, was supposedly edging for hours before you guys even sexually comfortable, and had the gall to say that you knew they had this sexual side to them.
Just because someone didn’t leverage their platform against someone, doesn’t make it a non-power dynamic issue. DB looked up to Alex, their portfolio consisted of his series, they have been a fan for a while, and you guys hardly knew anything about each other.
DB felt powerless
I believe that I never manipulated anyone because my friends were extremely understanding and justified with how I and DB were hurt throughout this. That’s why I decided to post the document and that’s why I kept fighting.
For the record, this isn’t me excusing myself or putting the blame on others. It’s an explanation. When you’re told you’re right by dozens of people who have read your story fully, you think you’re in the right. I felt like I was doing something good but the outcome was worse than I expected.
DB should have been the highlight of this entire document, but when I started seeing more and more people talk about me, I realized that I over-explained and gave unnecessary information at parts because I thought it would make me look more credible. It was poorly structured.
I believe in producing the most context for others to make a full judgment on the story, which is why I gave my story fully. It was supposed to support my statements about Alex being unable to change, having the opportunity to change, and still managing to hurt someone else. I felt that he could have the opportunity to hurt someone else like he did with DB. I wanted to talk about power dynamics.
However, I deserve everyone an apology for my wording regarding Alex’s gender identity in my document. It was transmisogynistic. There was no excuse for what was said and I did more hurt than anything. I heavily implied that Alex was grooming minors through gender identity.
I should have known how I was wording it. My mistake is including gender identity and colliding it with sexuality, something that even I criticized Alex for. I spewed transphobic remarks that are identical to TERF and conservative ideology.
The original topic was supposed to be the discussion of parasocial relationships being developed as a way to farm attention from fans. With Alex’s behavior towards DB during the time, I worried he was sexualizing outfits made by minors. Colliding with how much I know about Alex’s interests, being unable to control himself when DB sent normal photos, and Alex sexualizing a 14-year-old’s drawing (I also wanna make it clear that it wasn’t supposed to imply that there were any sexual discussions, it’s just that I knew they were discussing it. The thought process is “If I talked to a minor about this outfit, I think it would be gross to sexualize it”). It all falls on outfits, not gender identity. But how I felt was dependent on my experiences with Alex and my own perspective, it would’ve been difficult for anyone to understand with the information I provided. Most people would be unable to share my feelings.
But including an enormous amount of sections with gender identity led to the document becoming a harmful rhetoric, propaganda against transfems. Literal damage to the community. I feel disgusted with myself for spreading transphobic rhetoric and implanting this into people’s conscious. And cis people and non-transfems unknowingly spreading this harmful rhetoric everywhere, it made my heart sink. There is no excuse for it whatsoever.
I also projected my own experiences onto Alex by saying his own experiences were unique to me and I didn’t accept that. It’s an ignorant way to view it that way. My experiences may not match with anyone else and that’s fine. This experience is something that I have never experienced before and that’s fine.
And I apologize to any of my friends that felt hurt by this. Most of my friends are trans and some are transfems, and it made me feel disgusted and fearful that they might be afraid to explore themselves. Whether or not my own friends agree with me, I can see how much it hurt others. My actions have caused more harm than I expected.
This was irresponsible, and I don’t want forgiveness or pity.
No matter how the public was going to view me, I was still going to leave these accounts behind, because believe it or not, I never liked the spotlight and having this many eyes on me. I left behind a horrible legacy that did damage to other victims. I intended to speak about power dynamics and parasocial relationships but it was overshadowed by my horrible explanation.
I choose to leave behind friends that I made through this and the victims who were involved in this situation. I ask people to forgive the other victims especially when some of them are minors. If my actions are construed as manipulative and sociopathic, then they should not be blamed for speaking out when I influenced them by starting this entire discussion in the first place. I want to be the one responsible for this.
To Alex,
Those comments about putting an end to your career were out of anger from (my perspective) on how you responded to the situation. I did not expect crew members would leave because of how some of them responded initially. And honestly, I believe a lot of it wasn’t for the victims but because of the harassment caused by others.
I wish I spoken up about how chaotic people became after the document released and how some parts of the support groups were extremely hateful. I wish for people to speak about their minds about the situation without the interference of opposing groups. And I wish it didn’t devolve into including people that weren’t involved. I was trying to rebuttal against misinformation but it led to more people being harassed.
The comment “things won’t go back to normal” refers to how, during that time, I didn’t want the conversation to end with me apologizing when you hurt someone.
From the beginning of our relationship as friends, even if it’s hard to believe now, I always wanted to keep everything between us. When you hurt DB, that’s when I decided to go against you. My only proof was not leaking out everything that was told between us and still not wanting to spread photos of you around. But after seeing how others looked at my actions, I feel like the most evil person. It wasn’t supposed to be framed as me using your fears against you. I wanted to provide as much context as I could but it was too much information.
Again, as hard as it is to believe, I was fearful that you could’ve taken your life during any of this. And I know that doesn’t make any sense because I made your worst fears come true. When it first came out, I felt like what I was doing was right. But after all of this, none of my own actions made sense. You gave yourself to me and I used it against you. If I was truly caring, I should’ve talked to you on the first of Janurary.
I could only wish you never spoke to me after we broke up.
I am not asking for forgiveness. I just wish for you to accept yourself. What I did to your gender identity was destructive and malicious. What I did to you as a person was excruciating.
And I hope you can forgive some of your friends when they were influenced by me the most.
Take care.