1

00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:03,086

ANNOUNCER ON TV:

<i>Riley Morten coming up now,</i>

2

00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:06,006

<i>Kelley at second.</i>

<i>Started the inning with a double.</i>

3

00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:07,799

<i>That seems like an hour ago.</i>

4

00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,301

Honey, I thought you were gonna

take out the garbage.

5

00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,427

I am.

6

00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:14,556

<i>High fly to right. Hooking, hooking, foul.</i>

7

00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:17,643

-Phil.

-Yes. I'm getting it.

8

00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:21,271

<i>Good guys trail, three to two,</i>

<i>last of the ninth, one out…</i>

9

00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:24,274

I was… I was gonna get it.

10

00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,237

-Dylan?

-Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.

11

00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:31,073

I'm just waiting for Haley.

12

00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:33,200

-Did you ring the bell?

-I texted.

13

00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,035

She said she'd be down in just a minute.

14

00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,038

-Great. Tell her I said hi.

-I will.

15

00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:42,751

Dylan! D Money!

Chilling with Dylan the Villain!

16

00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:45,254

-"D" to the "Y" to the…

-Hey, Mr. Dunphy.

17

00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,965

Hey! Come on in, you're just in time

to catch the end of the game.

18

00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,717

-I'm not really a baseball guy.

-(CELL PHONE SOUNDS)

19

00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:52,678

-Haley says hi.

-I was just being facetious.

20

00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:56,557

Come on.

I'll catch you up. Sit it, park it.

21

00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,476

Come on, I don't bite.

22

00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:06,316

(PHIL SNARLS) Kidding. I'm kidding.

Okay, see that guy? He's the tying run.

23

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Interesting story about him,

he's been stuck on second base forever,

24

00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:12,030

and I'm pretty sure he's going

to try and steal third,

25

00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:15,242

which is just a terrible, terrible idea.

26

00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,827

How are you and Haley doing?

27

00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:26,086

MANNY: I wish I could stay home with you

and fly toy airplanes.

28

00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,671

These aren't toy airplanes, Manny.

29

00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,756

These are models

and they're very complicated.

30

00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,217

You want to fly one of these,

you got to be familiar

31

00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:35,012

with airfoil, drag, lift, and thrust.

32

00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,347

And these are all principles

of aerodynamics.

33

00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,932

The box says 12 and up.

34

00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,143

What?

35

00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:45,898

You can fly toy planes with Jay next time.

Today, you have to spend time with Luke.

36

00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,691

-Why?

-Because his mother invited you,

37

00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:48,859

so you go.

38

00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,069

Family needs to be close. Right, Jay?

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00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:54,948

-I'm pretty sure this is a typo.

-GLORIA: <i>Men need their hobbies.</i>

40

00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,408

<i>Manny's father had many hobbies.</i>

41

00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,702

Like hiking in the desert.

42

00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,413

That kind of skiing

that they drop you from the…

43

00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,081

-How do you say in English…

-(MIMICS SPINNING BLADE)

44

00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,333

Helicopter.

45

00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:08,212

Yes. Once, on a dare,

he even boxed with an alligator.

46

00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:12,382

Wrestle. You wrestle.

You can't box with alligators.

47

00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,717

Are you sure?

48

00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,345

How would they get gloves

on those little claws?

49

00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:20,265

-Aren't they like tiny little hands…

-No!

50

00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,850

Okay, now I forgot

what we're talking about.

51

00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:25,020

Anyway, hobbies are

important for the men,

52

00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:31,318

whether you're risking your life or flying

little planes from a safe distance.

53

00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:36,865

-Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?

-We're just gonna buy some diapers.

54

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It'll just take a second.

55

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-This is Costco.

-Yeah, which is where we buy diapers.

56

00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,038

Since when?

57

00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:46,041

Do you remember when we adopted

that baby a few months back?

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Since then.

59

00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:51,255

Mitchell is a snob.

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No, no, I'm discerning.

61

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Official slogan for snobs.

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When we first met

he wouldn't even look at me because

63

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I was a hick from the farm in Missouri

and he's a big city mouse.

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00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:07,646

-Who says "city mouse"?

-Country mice.

65

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ANNOUNCER ON TV:

<i>Ground ball to short. Sanchez…</i>

66

00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:13,819

-I think I'm gonna go wait in the car.

-Okay.

67

00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:15,988

Hey, if you're on your way out,

can you grab the garbage?

68

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-I got it.

-Okay. We got it.

69

00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,324

<i>Still one out left.</i>

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00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:20,534

He's a little jumpy.

71

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Go figure, a teenage boy doesn't want

to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.

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00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,956

I thought we were past all that.

73

00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:29,918

I'm all about…

I'm all about taking it to the next level.

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00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:32,546

Really? I thought you were

all about keeping it real.

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00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,840

Yes, but the whole point

of keeping it real

76

00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,216

is so you can take it to the next level.

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00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,885

Did you really not know that?

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00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:40,679

You haven't exactly taken it

to the next level with my dad.

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What are you talking about?

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00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:43,724

CLAIRE: We've been married for 16 years,

81

00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,018

and you still walk

on eggshells around him.

82

00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:51,231

What? Are you kidding?

Jay and I are total buds!

83

00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,610

(DOORBELL RINGS)

84

00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,029

You want to just hang out?

85

00:03:57,696 --> 00:04:01,658

Brought six friends. So let's… (CHUCKLES)

86

00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:22,554

Manny brought his favorite game

to play with Luke.

87

00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:23,722

MANNY: It's called Empire.

88

00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:27,017

You use strategy to expand territories

and take over the world.

89

00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:30,103

Luke is going to love that.

He's out back playing.

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00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,481

GLORIA: Do you need me to get you

something while I'm out shopping?

91

00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,316

CLAIRE: That's such a nice offer,

but I think we're good. Thanks.

92

00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:37,236

ALEX: Okay, what about this?

93

00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,279

You don't even say hello

to Gloria and Manny?

94

00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:42,741

Hi, Gloria and Manny.

Okay, Mom, what about this?

95

00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:45,869

-No. You're wearing a dress.

-Mom, come on.

96

00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:48,330

What? It's gonna kill you

to look like a girl for one afternoon?

97

00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:51,458

But it's a wedding for some friend of

yours I never even heard of.

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00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:54,253

It's non-negotiable.

You could borrow a dress of Haley's again.

99

00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:58,632

No, that sends an ugly message

that I'm Haley.

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00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,385

You know, instead of trying to force me

to wear a dress,

101

00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:04,513

why don't you worry about getting

Luke to wear some pants?

102

00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:08,517

What? Why does he do this?

103

00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:13,480

Luke! Pants! Come on.

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00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:20,112

PHIL: <i>Jay and I are buds, for sure.</i>

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00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:27,119

But with kind of an invisible asterisk.

He's not the… He's not a talker.

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Or a hugger.

107

00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:34,835

Once, he ran over my foot with his car.

To be fair, he had just given up smoking.

108

00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:37,504

But basically, we're buds.

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Do you have to just stand there?

You're making me feel uneasy.

110

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Oh.

111

00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,805

(PHIL CLEARING THROAT)

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For God's sake, sit here.

113

00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:51,852

Here, hold this wing like this

while I adjust this.

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00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:55,981

-Okay.

-Come on. Here.

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00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,825

Not too hard.

116

00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:11,955

Alex, why don't you come

shopping with me?

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Maybe I can help you find something

that you like.

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00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,503

That's a really nice offer,

but it's not really her thing.

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00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,963

Actually, I'd love to go.

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00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:23,634

See, you don't know what my thing is.

You have no idea what my thing is.

121

00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:25,511

I know what your thing is.

122

00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:26,929

Your thing is to provoke,

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00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:29,806

just like your sister's thing

is to never come out of her room.

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00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:33,185

And your brother's thing…

There's your brother's thing.

125

00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:37,231

Luke! Put them on! Mmm-hmm.

126

00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,399

PHIL: <i>The thing about me and Jay,</i>

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00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:44,988

is our relationship's always been stuck

in that primal place where it started.

128

00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,491

You know, he's the old silverback

protecting his females.

129

00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:50,118

Then along comes

this younger, stronger gorilla

130

00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,662

swinging in, beating his chest.

131

00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,748

You know naturally,

the ape-ladies come running,

132

00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,875

presenting their nice scarlet behinds.

133

00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:59,878

Papa ape wants to stop all that,

but he can't.

134

00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:02,881

You know, that's life. I'm not the enemy.

135

00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,593

The enemy is poachers.

136

00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,225

That'll do it. Don't touch it.

137

00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,107

(SIGHING) All right.

138

00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,947

-You want to go fly it?

-Sure.

139

00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,579

CAMERON: Hey, I got the toothpaste

and the soap.

140

00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:36,331

Good, now we can open that general store.

141

00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:37,749

I thought

we were just here to get diapers.

142

00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:38,959

We had a saying on the farm,

143

00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,086

"As long as you're bringing

the mule to market, you…"

144

00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:43,797

I feel you rolling your eyes at me.

145

00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,341

We met at one of Pepper's

legendary game nights.

146

00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:48,760

I remember Mitchell

because he kept rolling his eyes,

147

00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:50,470

every time

I would get a little boisterous.

148

00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,764

-I did not.

-A little bit.

149

00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:55,434

Yeah. Maybe a little bit.

150

00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:59,313

Anyway, we were playing charades

and I had no idea how to act out my clue.

151

00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:02,816

And all I could think of to do was…

152

00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:07,112

-And without missing a beat, Cam says…

<i>-Casablanca.</i>

153

00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:11,867

-All I did was this.

<i>-Casablanca. Casablanca.</i>

154

00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,994

Can we just please get the diapers

and get out of here?

155

00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:16,288

Fine, but I want to stop by

the wine section first.

156

00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:19,166

(LAUGHS) Wait, there's a wine section?

157

00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,126

Yeah, a really good one.

Just past the tires.

158

00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,462

No way, they do not have…

159

00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:28,592

Oh, my God. Oh, my, Cam, Cam,

the paper shredder I wanted.

160

00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,844

Confetti and crosscut. Yeah.

161

00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:32,930

(MITCHELL LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

162

00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:36,725

-Oh, my God, amazing.

-Yeah.

163

00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:43,232

Cam, what is this place?

164

00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,068

(OVEN BELL RINGS)

165

00:08:46,777 --> 00:08:49,947

Those cookies smell like heaven.

Your own recipe?

166

00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:51,990

No, I just throw them in the oven.

167

00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:54,743

And added the secret ingredient of caring?

168

00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,453

Sure.

169

00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,705

So, you and Luke having a good time?

170

00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:01,124

I don't know.

He won't come out of his box.

171

00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:05,337

Maybe I'll just stay here

and spend some time with my sister.

172

00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:08,966

Oh. Right, I guess technically

I would be your stepsister.

173

00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,343

My mother says we are never

to use the word "step"

174

00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:14,096

because it means "not real,"

and we are a real family.

175

00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,180

Mmm.

176

00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,559

So, what is the matter, Claire?

177

00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,396

-What?

-You seem sad.

178

00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:27,067

It's just stuff with Alex.

You know, kid stuff.

179

00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:30,946

Ugh! Kids. You don't have to tell me.

My school is full of them.

180

00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:37,411

I was thinking after lunch

we can go and do a little shopping.

181

00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:41,164

-I'm not getting a dress.

-I don't care. I'm not your mother.

182

00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,334

-I know. You're my grandmother.

-Step-grandmother.

183

00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:48,338

Anyway, today,

think of me as a girlfriend.

184

00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:51,341

Two girls out for an afternoon of fun.

185

00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:55,470

What do you usually do

with your girlfriends?

186

00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:59,308

I don't know,

we go out, we talk, drink wine.

187

00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:01,018

-Can I drink wine?

-No.

188

00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:02,978

Some friend.

189

00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:06,273

Well, you can still

talk to me about anything.

190

00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,942

Yeah, adults always say that,

but they don't mean it.

191

00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:12,779

When my mom says

I can ask her anything, I really can't.

192

00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:14,573

She just freaks out.

193

00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:18,243

I won't freak out. Shoot.

194

00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,704

Okay.

195

00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:24,082

-How many men have you slept with?

-Eight. Next.

196

00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:32,591

-Now can I try it?

-No.

197

00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,553

PHIL: I should get one of those.

I've always loved planes.

198

00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:38,597

You know, if things had gone

a little differently in my life,

199

00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:39,806

I think I would have been a pilot.

200

00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:44,353

Hey, what would happen if you turned

the remote off and then back on real fast?

201

00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:46,688

Yeah, you'd have been a great pilot.

202

00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,108

So, can you do…

Can you do a loop-de-loop?

203

00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:53,195

-If I wanted to.

-No way! Can I try it?

204

00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,404

No.

205

00:10:57,366 --> 00:11:00,452

PHIL: I can see why you like this.

It's so peaceful.

206

00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:05,374

It's like the whole world

just disappears out here.

207

00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:10,212

-I remember, this one summer…

-I'll tell you what.

208

00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,130

There's another trick

called "threading the needle."

209

00:11:12,214 --> 00:11:13,924

I used to do it with Claire and Mitch

when they were kids.

210

00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,676

-You want to try it?

-How does it go?

211

00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,886

You grab one of those hoops over there,

212

00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:22,391

and go to the far, far, far

end of the field and stand there.

213

00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,142

And I fly the plane through it.

214

00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:28,647

That sounds awesome!

And then I get a chance flying it?

215

00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,940

-No.

-Okay.

216

00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:45,664

-How's this?

-Not far enough. Go on.

217

00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:46,915

Okay. Further down.

218

00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:50,794

-You can't go too far.

-Right. Okay, I get it. I get it.

219

00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,677

-How's this?

-Good.

220

00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,138

Now, stand still. Don't move.

221

00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,348

Okay, let's do it.

222

00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:06,393

(WHIP WHOOPING)

223

00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:10,939

I love it. I love it! (LAUGHS)

224

00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:24,328

-You drove a plane into my face.

-You must have moved.

225

00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,705

-I told you to stay still.

-I didn't move.

226

00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,916

Try not to talk.

I wanna make sure nothing's broken.

227

00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:30,667

(PHIL GROANS)

228

00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:35,506

Alex and I can't just disagree.

She has to turn everything into a fight.

229

00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:39,551

Hmm. A strong, independent woman.

Sounds like somebody else I know.

230

00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:43,722

I was never hostile, though.

This whole thing with the dress,

231

00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,307

never had this problem with Haley.

232

00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,644

Maybe Alex doesn't want to compete

with her big sister.

233

00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,188

Maybe she's trying

to create her own identity.

234

00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:54,858

-Put her in a dress, and she disappears.

-For one afternoon.

235

00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,236

I wouldn't give up being myself

for even one second.

236

00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,446

Wow.

237

00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:02,199

Sometimes it's hard to remember

you're only 10 years old.

238

00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,117

-And three quarters.

-Yeah.

239

00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,370

(PHONE RINGING)

240

00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,288

-(CLEARS THROAT) Hello?

<i>-Hey, it's Mitchell.</i>

241

00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:09,998

<i>-Do you guys eat olives?</i>

-Olives?

242

00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:11,917

<i>-Really good olives?</i>

-Yeah.

243

00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,627

You got it.

244

00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,255

CAMERON: Mitchell, I found the diapers.

They're over here.

245

00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:19,633

Cameron, guess what I found? Coffins.

246

00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,426

They sell baby formula

and they sell coffins.

247

00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:24,179

You can literally buy everything

you need, from birth to death.

248

00:13:24,263 --> 00:13:26,515

Oh, my God, look at these diapers.

249

00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:29,518

(GASPS) Look how cheap they are.

You know what we should do?

250

00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,436

We should get enough

for like the next year or two, right?

251

00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:35,232

-Where would we keep them?

-They sell sheds.

252

00:13:35,691 --> 00:13:38,652

Really? You want to buy a diaper shed?

We're those guys now?

253

00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,571

The guys with a diaper shed?

254

00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:43,156

-Just grab two more.

-I'm not grabbing two more, Mitchell.

255

00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,159

-It's time to go.

-Come on, come on, we need…

256

00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:48,912

Hey, excuse me.

Where did you get that flat bed thing?

257

00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,956

-Over there.

-Go grab one of those.

258

00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,875

-Really?

-Yeah. Get two.

259

00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:58,755

I'm in the applesauce aisle.

260

00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:01,341

So, anyway,

after charades, we went out for coffee,

261

00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:06,763

and I learned that he loves art,

he plays the piano, he speaks French.

262

00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,890

(CAMERON SPEAKS FRENCH)

263

00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:12,102

-You see, I misjudged him.

-I'm sort of like Costco.

264

00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,272

I'm big, I'm not fancy,

and I dare you to not like me.

265

00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,983

Yeah, and I'm kind of more like that… Um…

266

00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,820

What is the name of that little shop

we went to in Paris?

267

00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,739

You are such a snob.

268

00:14:26,575 --> 00:14:28,285

<i>Casablanca.</i>

269

00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:29,453

(MITCHELL CHUCKLES)

270

00:14:29,745 --> 00:14:35,667

I have a small flower on my ankle,

and a tiny little butterfly on my thigh.

271

00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:38,879

-How high up?

-Pretty high.

272

00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:42,257

Did you do it to look sexy?

No, did you do it for a guy?

273

00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:46,053

-Does Grandpa like it?

-No. No. And, yes.

274

00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:47,221

That's gross.

275

00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:50,891

-Let's go back to your piercings.

-No, no, no.

276

00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:54,645

I've answered enough of your questions.

Now it's your turn to answer one.

277

00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:58,398

-What is it?

-Why you don't want to wear a dress?

278

00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:01,735

Because I don't want to look like Haley

and her stupid friends.

279

00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,321

I wear dresses

and I don't look like Haley.

280

00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:07,741

You are Haley, just 40 years older.

281

00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,201

-Ten.

-Twenty.

282

00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:12,246

Deal.

Alex, why are you fighting me on this?

283

00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:16,500

It doesn't matter if I dress up.

I'm not pretty like Haley and you.

284

00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,503

-That's ridiculous. You're beautiful.

-I'm not.

285

00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,297

But that's okay, I'm the smart one.

286

00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:26,093

Hmm. The cute busboy

doesn't know that you're smart.

287

00:15:26,218 --> 00:15:27,803

-What?

-He's been smiling at you

288

00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:30,347

-every time he comes to the table.

-He does not.

289

00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:33,183

Why do you think

we are the only people with bread?

290

00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:39,648

Look, one day you're going

to want to date a cute guy like that.

291

00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:43,193

And when that day comes,

you're gonna want to look beautiful,

292

00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,070

and then you'll wear a dress.

293

00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:49,366

So, you ever kiss another girl?

294

00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:52,119

That's no way to talk

to your grandmother.

295

00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:55,998

Was my mom hard on me growing up?

Yeah, she was.

296

00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,165

But, you know what?

297

00:15:57,249 --> 00:16:00,669

Back then, everything was Betty Friedan

and Gloria Steinem.

298

00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,255

-They didn't understand…

-GLORIA: <i>Hola!</i> We're back.

299

00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,382

-ALEX: Hello.

-Hey, how'd it go?

300

00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,260

It was great. Did you have fun with Luke?

301

00:16:08,343 --> 00:16:10,804

-Well, not…

-We had a great time.

302

00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:16,894

Alex, I've been thinking and if you

don't want to wear a dress to the wedding,

303

00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,103

it's not the end of the world.

304

00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:21,231

It's all right, I bought one.

305

00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:22,733

(BOTH LAUGHING)

306

00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:24,610

Do you see how she has to provoke me?

307

00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,154

-We'll talk about it next week.

-PHIL: Claire!

308

00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:28,363

(BANGING ON DOOR)

309

00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:32,451

JAY: Coming through. Coming through.

Easy. Easy, fella.

310

00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:35,704

-I need to rest my face. (GROANING)

-You're fine. You'll be all right.

311

00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:40,167

-Oh, my God! Dad?

-JAY: Little accident. Nothing big.

312

00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,586

-I was in a plane crash.

-What happened?

313

00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,630

We were threading the needle

and somebody moved.

314

00:16:44,713 --> 00:16:47,758

No, I didn't. You did it on purpose.

315

00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:50,761

JAY: That's the painkiller talking,

he's a little loopy.

316

00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:51,929

How bad is it?

317

00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:53,889

JAY: Well, the wing is cracked,

the propeller's bent.

318

00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:55,474

-But I can…

-I mean Phil.

319

00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:58,185

-I was in a plane crash.

-Thanks, Dad.

320

00:16:58,894 --> 00:17:01,271

I didn't ask him to be there.

He insisted.

321

00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:02,856

He took a chance, this is what happened.

322

00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:04,525

Kind of like the time

you ran over his foot?

323

00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:06,318

-You ran over his foot?

-That was an accident.

324

00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:09,613

You know, Dad, you did it on purpose.

We all saw the tire marks on the lawn.

325

00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,698

-I had just quit smoking.

-(PHIL GROANING)

326

00:17:11,782 --> 00:17:12,866

See, you're upsetting your husband.

327

00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:14,368

-Water.

-I'll get it.

328

00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:17,329

(GLORIA SIGHS)

329

00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:22,918

-You okay?

-Gloria, thank God you're here.

330

00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:26,588

-Don't worry I'm here, too.

-Who's this?

331

00:17:27,673 --> 00:17:29,049

It wasn't my fault.

332

00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,593

I have seen you thread the needle

a million times.

333

00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:33,804

-You never miss.

-Yeah. I must be getting old.

334

00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:36,098

Why don't you just admit it?

You never liked Phil.

335

00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:37,850

Put that down. You do not get a cookie.

336

00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:41,937

JAY: I like Phil. It's just that sometimes

he tries too hard, you know?

337

00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,731

And it's just kind of irritating.

338

00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:48,235

Okay, maybe he tries too hard

because you make zero effort with him.

339

00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:50,487

You know what?

In the 16 years that we've been married,

340

00:17:50,571 --> 00:17:54,116

have you one time told him

that you liked him?

341

00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:58,078

-Not in those exact words, no.

-No. Not in any words, Dad.

342

00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:00,289

How do you think that makes me feel?

343

00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,792

You never told your son that you love him?

344

00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:06,587

Whoa, whoa! When did we jump to love?

345

00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,297

And he's technically not my son.

346

00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:10,591

Ha! So, that means that

you don't love Manny, either?

347

00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:11,717

Sure I do.

348

00:18:11,884 --> 00:18:15,429

I mean, believe me, when I was in that

park, I really wished Manny was there.

349

00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:19,433

For what? So that you could fly

the plane into his head? Huh?

350

00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,145

Dad, thanks so much

for bringing Phil home.

351

00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:27,232

I found one of your little flaps

in his hair. So…

352

00:18:29,985 --> 00:18:31,987

Actually, this is called an aileron.

It controls the…

353

00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:35,699

Because that's what matters right now.

Bye, Dad.

354

00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:47,920

-Hey, Phil.

-PHIL: Jay.

355

00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,384

-Ow!

-What, are you made of china?

356

00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:56,470

(PHIL GROANING)

357

00:18:56,553 --> 00:19:00,724

Phil, I just want you to know, I'm sorry.

358

00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:04,019

-And whether I missed, or you moved…

-I didn't.

359

00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:08,607

Either way, I just want to say

that I like you.

360

00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:11,360

-Really?

-Yeah.

361

00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:12,986

What do you like about me?

362

00:19:16,615 --> 00:19:21,787

You're a nice guy, you try real hard.

363

00:19:22,079 --> 00:19:23,497

I do.

364

00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,542

-You're a good dad.

-I am a good dad.

365

00:19:26,625 --> 00:19:28,836

Come here. Come here, you.

366

00:19:28,919 --> 00:19:30,128

(GROANS)

367

00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:32,297

This feels so right.

368

00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:33,924

(DOOR OPENS)

369

00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:36,385

What's going on?

370

00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:40,264

There was a little accident, but Jay's

telling Phil how much he loves him.

371

00:19:41,265 --> 00:19:43,141

-Well, that's nice for Phil.

-That's great,

372

00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:45,018

since he's never said

anything like that to my boyfriend.

373

00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:47,020

-Let it go.

-No, it's not okay.

374

00:19:47,104 --> 00:19:49,773

Mitch is right. You go in there, too, Cam.

Come on.

375

00:19:49,857 --> 00:19:51,775

-You're kidding?

-(LAUGHS) Jay!

376

00:19:51,859 --> 00:19:54,069

-MITCHELL: I'm going to get this.

-Come on in, Cam.

377

00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:55,571

-CAMERON: A little hug?

-Get in here.

378

00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:58,490

Say… Say it. Say it.

379

00:19:58,574 --> 00:20:00,284

I like you, too, Cam.

380

00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,536

-What do you like about him?

-Jeez.

381

00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:06,373

-Where did you get that camera?

-Only the greatest store on earth.

382

00:20:07,165 --> 00:20:08,792

(WHISPERS) Thanks, Dad.

383

00:20:08,876 --> 00:20:13,380

-Manny, picture, get in there, too.

-PHIL: Get in here,<i> mi amigo.</i>

384

00:20:13,463 --> 00:20:15,257

GLORIA: Stay still, say "cheese."

385

00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,509

-Don't push it.

-ALL: Cheese!

386

00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:19,928

GLORIA: Cheese.

387

00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:21,930

(GLORIA LAUGHING)

388

00:20:22,014 --> 00:20:23,640

JAY: Oh, boy.

389

00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:27,227

PHIL: Doesn't it feel like these arms

could go around the world?

390

00:20:27,311 --> 00:20:28,854

(GRUNTS) I think I strained something.

391

00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,276

I always wanted a daughter.

392

00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:40,157

To dress her up in pretty dresses,

do her hair, her nails, her makeup.

393

00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,491

(LAUGHS)

394

00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:43,744

No one knows this,

395

00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:47,206

but for the first year of his life,

I made up Manny like a girl

396

00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,208

and told everybody

that he was my daughter.

397

00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:50,667

(LAUGHING)

398

00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:52,836

But just for a few times.

399

00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,838

I didn't want to mess with his head.

400

00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,131

When he found the pictures,

401

00:20:56,215 --> 00:20:59,176

I told him that it was

his twin sister who died.